ADHD makes a strange bedfellow, but a good coworker?

It's still very strange talking about the neurodevelopmental disorder that's affected me all my life without me even knowing about it.

Unlike some people with ADHD, I was diagnosed as an adult, and was immediately told I should have outgrown it. The reason for that is that we don't actually have that much data on the attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder (though probably the most out of the DSM-5 handbook). Until about the nineties, we used to think it's a children's disease that they outgrow in adulthood, based on a very flawed study conducted in the seventies.

The very name is misleading because while this disorder presents itself as an attention deficit and/or hyperactivity, it doesn't actually mean that.

So what is it?

Imagine that everything you do in your day-to-day requires effort. For some people it's not that hard to imagine because everything, including getting up, is difficult. And some people can do most of their tasks so easily, they don't even need to think about doing them: an entire day can pass for them without even noticing, maybe even a week! How does it translate into productivity? Someone who doesn't need cognitive or physical effort to do their share is incredibly productive. With added effort, the productivity sinks. Pretty intuitive!

Now imagine that if you're interested in something, you don't have to put in any effort. If something sparks your curiosity, putting in every bit of your attention into it comes naturally. That being said, things that don't particularly interest you, are so much harder to accomplish, or even start.

They say that a person with ADHD has an interest-based nervous system.

But wait, so does everyone, right? Correct, a lot of the symptoms will seem relateable to you at first, but you have to understand that people without ADHD can display these symptoms sometimes, people with ADHD are affected by these symptoms all the times, and more than one area in their life is impaired to the degree that's detrimental to this person.

But let's kick it up a notch, let's say you can direct your attention effortlessly only towards things that interest you. The trouble doesn't end there. Because you can't easily divert your attention elsewhere, either.

Consequently, having no choice in where your focus goes can have many implications:

• all of your senses are everywhere and nowhere at once, your sense of smell picks up everything, and the sound of someone chewing will make you want to get hit by a car
• because of constant sensory input, your working memory is full, COME BACK LATER, get used to carrying a notebook and a pen because you'll never remember anything important
• sensory overload sometimes happens (see the part about chewing) which results in feelings of overwhelm, helplessness, and sometimes... rage
• hyperfocus on random topics that spark interest might make you forget to take care of yourself completely
• every single drawer you've opened will remain open, because once something is not seen or heard it no longer exists in your mind (Oh God, like a baby? Yes, like a baby.)
• because of how intense your senses are, your emotional response becomes just as intense, which means that when you're experiencing fear, or anger, or sadness, the part of your brain that allows you to work through those emotions or push them away isn't always available, so you can get stuck

and many more.

If that sounds exhausting, I didn't get into the hyperactivity of it yet. If you want to know more about adult ADHD, I can't wait to introduce you to Russ Barkley, PhD - former professor of clinical psychiatry who is now fully retired and delights in debunking myths about this disorder on his boomerific YouTube channel.

So what is it like to work with an ADHD software engineer?

The short answer is, you may already know, because a lot of us have it. Some don't know about it, some don't talk about it, but all enjoy software engineering for what it is: a field that embraces interest-based work and doesn't glorify the mundane. There's scaffolding in place for engineers to keep them accountable, to keep them interested, to encourage them to explore. And that keeps us grateful and invested.

Besides that, some of us are the most compassionate people you will ever meet because the level of suffering we endure keeps us, as the kids say, "hustling hard and humble AF".

Being used to brute-forcing every activity until it sparks interest is an incredible source of humor and creativity, so a person with ADHD can pretty much make anything fun.

Another thing that will motivate me no matter what is the fear of letting someone down. So not only am I fun-sized, I'm also a fun-sized team player.

Do I need any specific accommodations and why do I deserve them?

It's completely fair and logical to ask, what am I doing to manage my disorder. Well, a lot. Besides research, I have tried a lot of meds. Some stimulants helped me focus, Atomoxetine (a non-stimulant) did some great things for my emotional regulation, but in the end, all of those meds had pretty severe side-effects (Trouble dealing with emotions? How about having none?), raised my blood pressure, and only eased one or two symptoms. And while they can be a blessing to some, they're pretty hard to procure, too.

But what about yoga? Oh, yeah, it does help, so does meditation, which is very effortless to me because unlike some people, I know my thoughts aren't my own, they are way too mean. I know that through therapy I've been doing for years, countless journals I keep, and introspective work that is shamelessly honest and goes painfully deep. I have apps that help me track time and activities, and I put everything into my calendar. Everything.

In return, all I ask is for just a little bit of understanding. Some days feel impossible to get through, and those aren't the days I can sit through a two-hour meeting, or go to the office, or write three pages of documentation about a piece of code only God knows who wrote and why, and contemplating that effort brings tears to my eyes. Those days aren't rare, and they're ten times worse when someone is unhappy with me and is breathing down my neck, putting exorbitant amounts of pressure on my shoulders already weighed down with stuff I put on myself.

And I ask that I'm allowed to be me even when it's nothing you expect.

What you get in return is my loyalty, and only you can understand its value, as only I can understand my burdens. Thanks for trying anyway.